When Prayer Is Bad - Part I

I was taught that prayer is always good—that we are to always pray and that our prayers are powerful.  And while all of this is true, I’ve recently started to see how prayer can be bad.  Let me explain.

During prayer one evening in December of 2013, God showed me that my prayers were all wrong.  For several months I had been asking God questions about my love life—was He sending me someone whom I could love and start a family with or was He leading me on a life-long adventure that would involve just the two of us?  Although I could see enjoying either scenario, seeing the joys and challenges that each presented, I really wanted to know,  and I knew that God could tell me,  just like He told me that I would work in entertainment six years before I went on my first audition.

Now while it’s ironic that God showed me that my prayers were wrong while I was praying, what is also noteworthy is that I wasn’t even praying about my love life in that specific moment.  I was actually praying about the disappointment that I felt about a film that I was set to “star” in being postponed.  (For those of you unfamiliar with how the business of entertainment works, “postponement” in Hollywood can mean many things.  It can mean just what it suggests, that the project will take place at a later date, either months or years later, or it can mean what it often means, which is that there is some hiccup (usually financial) and that it will never happen but the producers are either too hopeful to realize it or too proud to admit it.)

Well after I found out that the film had been “postponed,” I began to feel the weight of the disappointment.  Only six days away from walking onto set, I was mentally and emotionally prepared to take on my character. I had cleared my schedule, learned my lines, developed my character, rehearsed with the other actors, hired a coach, done the table read, and worked with the make-up artist to figure out how to age me for the role.  I was ready.   And then I learned that I didn’t need to be.  Well…not yet … or… maybe never?  I didn’t know how to handle the news.  I knew that projects could disappear suddenly and had experienced them falling through before, but this was my first lead role in a film, and I had spent months preparing.  I deflated and then I cried.  I quickly told myself to just assume that the film was dead; it was easier to deal emotionally if I assumed that it was over rather than continuing to hope only to be disappointed again down the road.

But as I told myself that it was over, I realized what I was doing: I was trying to protect myself.  And in that moment I realized that I had to make a choice: either I could tell myself that the film was dead so that I could protect myself, or  I could maintain hope that it would still happen and trust that God would take care of my emotions, even if the project fell through. 

I decided to trust God.  So during that prayer time, as I was asking God to help me deal with the disappointment—both real and potential—I asked Him to show me ways that I was trying to protect myself in other areas of my life.  That’s when He brought up my romantic life.  He began to show me that my prayers during the last several months had been wrong.  I had been asking Him to speak to me about my love life because I wanted His words, (whether a “yes” or a “no”), to protect me from the potential disappointment that the future held.  If He said “yes, I have someone for you,” then I could continue to hope.  If the answer was “no,” then I would know to grieve now and move on, preparing myself for a life of singleness.

No wonder He hadn’t answered me for all of those months: My prayer was all wrong.  I was looking to his “prophetic words” to instantaneously calm the part of me that feared experiencing tremendous disappointment, instead of trusting in the essence of who God is, which is goodness. 

Today, I no longer pray for God to reveal the future to me, (although I’m open to it).  Instead, I ask Him to help me experience this Psalm daily “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…” –Psalm 23:6

Welcome Back, Chante!

This blog sat blank for most of 2013, not because I didn’t have anything to say, and not because I lacked the discipline to write. It sat empty because the impetus needed to write well either wasn’t there or ebbed before I managed to plop myself in front of the computer screen to type. Instead I spent most of my free time praying—by myself, with my housemate, with my prayer partner, with my spiritual director, and with my church family. Some days I spent hours praying; other days I snuck in only a few minutes. But all of the focused time that I spent with God last year provided me with the perspective and fuel that I need to fill up the cyber-pages of this blog in 2014.

I plan to share some amazing stories with you this year—events that happened in 2013 that changed the very make-up of my being, along with the startling, awe-inspiring, wondrous things that will happen this year. I hope that these stories enlighten and encourage you along your journey. And if they do, please drop me a line to let me know, and please share them with your friends and family.

Happy New Year!



Much Love,

-C

AKA Chantisha

AKA Chantico

AKA Grandma



P.S. Please let me know if you have any prayer request.  I'd love to pray for you!

2012: The Year I Gave Up Everything

In 2005, I prayed the words found in Philippians 3:10, to God: “That I may know him (Christ), and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death.”  It was a heartfelt prayer, prayed sincerely, but quite naively because that prayer ushered in a year containing unparalleled levels of suffering and general havoc.  It was crazy.  I told myself to never pray for such things again, but I forgot and 2012 was the most intense, inane year of my life!  It was the year that all of my prayers caught up with me and words that once seemed like idyllic requests (praying that I would love God more than I could ever love any man and praying that my external success would never exceed my internal character) suddenly seemed like very, very bad thought-out prayer requests.

Yes, I prayed to love God more than I could ever love anyone else, but I didn’t foresee having to deal with a painful break-up with one of the most wonderful, godly, frabjous people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and then going through the process of becoming truly grateful to God for the break-up.

And yes I prayed for both success in the arts/entertainment plus the internal fortitude to handle it, but I didn’t realize that shooting five national commercials, conducting red carpet interviews, and taking on new writing assignments with print and online publications would be preceded by:

·         Incessant crying (crying during sermons, crying while praying, crying while driving, crying on my way to set.  It got so bad I stopped wearing mascara.)

·         Unprecedented levels of pain and confusion that made me decide to stop thinking so that I could stay sane.

·         Feeling like the rudder on my internal ship was in the repair shop and couldn’t be used, leaving me feeling like a ship without a rudder.

·         Letting go of EVERYTHING.

Also, I didn’t anticipate that in 2012 I would book the two most amazing gigs of my career (including an international project that would shoot in another country and a national talk show pilot) only to lose both within the time span of eight days.

The pain of loss, the pain of almost gaining and losing, and even the pain and cost that come with gaining pushed me not just to my knees, but to a place of trying to learn why God does the things that He does.  A new theology formed (and is forming), and I have been pressed to a place where I’m asking God “Teach me how to pray.”  That’s my prayer as I enter 2013, but this time I pray with my eyes wide open.  I know that it won’t be all roses, although the Tournament of Roses Parade suggests that it should be, but I also know that the joy birthed from pain is the most wonderful kind of joy there is.

What’s your prayer for this year? Know that God doesn’t just hear prayers. He answers them!

Happy New Year! 

It Gets Sweeter

Ever notice that when you really want to be with someone, you’re willing to wait for them?  Wait for them to call you back, wait for them to come home from work, wait for however long it takes.

Why is it that sometimes, we don’t display this same patience with God?  We ask Him a question, and if He doesn’t answer immediately, we’re upset.  Or, we want to feel His presence during prayer or in a certain situation, but get either bored or frustrated if we don’t’ sense it right away.

The crazy cool and unexpected thing, though, is that with God, the waiting isn’t just the pre-requisite to being with Him.  The waiting is a part of the being with, cause it’s when we’re waiting for Him that He comes  (sometimes unnoticed) and begins to change us so that we can experience Him more deeply, daily.

Today, I waited on God.

It was like honey to my soul.